Oct. 18th, 2014

10 Things A Cone Collar Can Tragically Prevent A Dog From Doing

I have apparently been harbouring some flawed assumptions about cone collars. See, I thought they existed for the sole purpose of preventing an animal from chewing open its stitches post-surgery (because animals are daft and there is no succinct way of explaining to them, "Don't do that, you will end up with your guts hanging out and you won't like it").

Oh how I was misled. Cone collars are powerful, and possibly magical. Here's some other stuff a dog who is forced to wear one absolutely cannot accomplish:

1. Walking. Turns out a cone collar will automatically and totally disable the dog's legs and render walking impossible, similarly to snow booties. Unless there's a special treat involved, then this insurmountable obstacle can be - very briefly - surmounted (cue blur of furry speed, crunching noises, and a sudden collapse back into I HAZ NO LEGS).

2. Accepting a normal collar/lead, even for short periods, even if dog was previously perfectly okay with same. NOPE. ALL NECK THINGS ARE EVIL NOW. Cue twisting dance of rebellion, despite non-functioning legs.

3. Drinking from readily accessible water bowl whose use is in no way blocked by the cone. NOPE. Dog now cannot drink at all unless bowl is lifted to nose height by a human with much coaxing and flattery. Will otherwise pant and perish of thirst in front of full water bowl (except of course when no human is around to emotionally blackmail, in which case half the water mysteriously disappears on its own).

4. Eating from equally accessible food bowl. NOPE. Food must likewise be delivered directly to mouth by humans, or dog will die from starvation. BECAUSE CONE.

5. Toileting. Dogs cannot poop with a cone around their neck, are you stupid?! It takes all the dignity out of the squatting and straining and then stepping into the pile.

6. Recalling any of the many commands they previously knew. The cone constricts the memory, you know.

7. Like, seriously, sitting? I CANNOT SIT. I HAVE A CONE!

8. I ALSO CANNOT STAND. DID YOU FORGET THE CONE BLOCKS MY LEGS??

9. Appreciating that both surgery and cone are for dog's own benefit and that she has been liberated from a life of unfair distribution of sexual responsibility in which she would be forced to bear seven squealing babies every single time she had even the most casual of flings. (To be entirely fair, the cone probably has little bearing on that particular point, but hey, it has all sorts of magical powers so I might as well blame it for this as well!)

10. Chewing out her stitches and leaving her with her guts hanging out. It does prevent that too.


In conclusion, though, the cone is an evil spell that we have put upon her for no good reason whatsoever and she will never forgive us.


Dog, not having any legs


Dog, being abused


(And they call CATS manipulative!)
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