Specifically, I need to bitch about this:
Hai Jenny and your idiotic screenshot. I'm telling you, YouTube hates us. Even if it's a clip with gorgeous DeRo scenes, the screenshots it picks will invariable feature 1) someone's face frozen in a retarded expression 2) Mike or 3) NINA (it is all over Nina. If there's a 10-minute clip that features 2 seconds of Nina, you can be sure there will be a Nina screenshot).
But that's not what I'm here to bitch about. I'm not even here to bitch about Deniz being the biggest tool in the scarily enormous AWZ toolbox (hello boy-who-used-to-be-sensitive/conflicted/occasionally sweet, I miss you!) or about how Roman is clearly still not impervious to him no matter how much he might want to be (seriously, Roman, just smack him one in his pretty, sneering mouth. It'll make you feel so much better!) I am NOT EVEN HERE to bitch about Vanessa and what a completely pathetic shadow of her former character she is these days or how she is still given the crappiest, crappiest love interests ever in the world. No no. I am SERENE AND CALM about these things, oh yes.
The thing I'm here to bitch about is Stella/Lars.
OMG. WTF? I know I didn't exactly have grand expectations of your set-up for this pairing being believable and engaging. And it won't be a secret to anyone reading this journal that I've loathed Stella and the way she was forced into this show pretty much from the get-go. And yes, I happen to think Lars and Jenny are awesome together and make an intriguing pairing exactly because they are both so messed up. So yeah, I am about as biased as it gets and there was admittedly little chance that I would give Stella/Lars much of a real chance to impress me. However. When I set my standard for the development of that relationship low, I was unaware that the development stage WAS GOING TO BE SKIPPED ENTIRELY. What the bleeding hell happened there?
Let's look back. Stella appears on the show and runs into Lars. Lars lends a hand with her daft broken scooter and then disappears. Lars is indifferent to Stella. Later, Lars comes back and engages in a relationship with Jenny. They are passionate yet cautious with their real feelings; tentative, fraught, complicated, yet strangely adorable, and very genuine. Then we have a scene in which Stella runs into Lars and the audio track is overwhelmed with frantic heartbeat sounds, which apparently mean STELLA LOVES LARS NOW. Whatever. Then Stella daydreams a bunch of crap about Lars fondling her. Lars looks disinterested EVEN IN HER OWN DREAMS. Meanwhile in the waking world, Lars is too busy having awesome sex with Jenny
and touching Roman a lot more than seems necessary to notice that Stella is PERKY, REFRESHING, GUILELESS-YET-WITTY, LOVABLE, WISE BEYOND HER YEARS and generally 150% MADE OF STICKY-SWEET FAIRY FLOSS. There's some clashing of intentions when Stella offers Lars beer and then overcompensates her apologising; then she attempts to tell him she knows all about his sekrit pain, Lars is pissed off and tells her to shove it, then she goes back to the circus and Lars brings her back, not because he cares but because Jenny asked him to. Then Stella smooches him. Lars goes WTF and tells her to can it. Stella cans it. Stella continues to have heart palpitations around Lars. Lars is oblivious, and also indifferent. Lars is very good at being indifferent. Lars is also layered enough that you can tell when he's being stand-offish to protect the vulnerable core of his brooding heart, and when he's being INDIFFERENT BECAUSE HE DOESN'T HAVE ANY PARTICULAR FEELINGS ABOUT YOU. Lars is also very good at not talking pretty, and at telling people just what exactly he thinks.
Taking all these things into account, when one second Lars is saying "I'm with Jenny" and "Get the hell over it" and the next second he is standing there with his lips hovering a hair's breadth from Stella's, the only logical conclusions I can draw are: 1) Stella's just had a shot of vodka and the alcohol fumes are beckoning him irresistibly 2) Stella's holding a couple of voodoo dolls with her and Lars's hair glued to them behind her back and is at present making them smooch or 3) Show, once again your relationship build-up is RIDICULOUS BEYOND BELIEF.
Look, I don't like this pairing to start with because I think it's lame and predictable and devoid of interest; because it's an exact, play-by-play rehash of Jenny/Julian/Diana and I am already allergic to Stella being sold as the new Diana; because once again, it's breaking up a truly intriguing pairing with intense chemistry for one that is bland as oatmeal (see DeRo vs. DeVa, although sadly I think DeVa even had more chemistry than Stella/Lars);
But all that said, and I know it is a LOT said - how the fuck am I even to give this pairing, little as I like the mere idea, the tiniest chance if I, as a viewer, am given absolutely no genuine, believable set-up whatsoever? Am I really supposed to just swallow this crappy serving of insta!love? From zero to smoochies? I don't freaking think so. I didn't buy it for DeVa, and I'm not buying it now. Give me something to work with, for crying out loud. Something other than THOU MUST LOVE STELLA, FOR SHE ART LOVELY. I know you have these weird ideas about your OTPs being so awesome and self-evident that they don't need any explaining or struggle, but boy, are you ever wrong. CONSISTENCY. SHOW-DON'T-TELL. BELIEVABLE CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT. LOOK UP THESE CONCEPTS, I BESEECH YOU. I KNOW YOU ARE JUST A FREAKING SOAP AND YOU PROBABLY DON'T GIVE A TOSS. BUT DAMMIT, YOU MADE ME FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU AGAINST MY WILL SO I'M EXPECTING YOU TO BE BETTER THAN THIS. WORK OUT YOUR ISSUES OR I AM GOING TO BE SO VERY CRANKY WITH YOU AND WE WON'T HAVE SEX AGAIN EVER. BELIEVE THIS.
Very little damn love,
DUDE. I may not have time for recaps, but I need to bitch. There's only so much venting I can let out in YouTube comments, and also, they have that pesky character limit.